The Chronicle Of Me: Relationships #4

Love is such a bitch. When I was younger I had my life planned out, I’d find myself a Mr Perfect in my teens and live happily ever after. Marriage, babies and all that. But no, you have to work for it. You can’t have a simply love story like your parents did. You have to experience the thrill of the chase and the flirting, followed by the crushing heart-break and the general depression sets in, even if you did the ending of the relationship.

My first crush and kiss was with a boy from high school when I was 14. I fancied him for a solid year, before telling him how I felt. This was preceded by a kiss behind the science building and then going out for a whole day. For some reason, once everyone found out he just ‘couldn’t handle it’ and walked off. Then the next two years was just awkward! Didn’t help with me having embarrassment issues and gaining the nickname ‘tomato’. Looking back he did date half the girls in my tutor, and I reckon he is now your definition of a fuckboy.

My love life in sixth form turned into something of a soap opera. After receiving affections from a boy in my year at the end of year 11 and being kindly turned down. He announced he was gay, but before the being of sixth form he then got into a relationship with a girl who was in our extended friends group. Within 6 months they were engaged and planning the wedding. Moving very fast at the age of 17 was terribly scary and well crazy [Props to them, they are still together 4 years on]. However, I wasn’t liked by them. As a ex-love interest, I was the enemy. His fiancée at the time, hated me and didn’t trust me. She decided to ‘test’ me, by making him confess his love for me and that he had cold feet about the wedding. At the same time, she asked for wedding dress advice about what style. Of course, being the age that I was, I freaked out and I had an episode which involved a lot of crying, worry and panic.

It didn’t end there, oh no. They tried to turn my friends against me, but that didn’t work. They supported me, because I had done nothing wrong and wasn’t intentionally out to get them in any way. In the end, they dropped out of second year of sixth form and broke all contact, due to a massive argument where I blocked them on social media. It was a dramatic period in my life socially, but time is a healer and if I was to see them in the street now I would go over and say hello. You can’t live in the past forever, we were still kids then.

Then we come to University life. I met my ex-boyfriend and what I would class my first proper boyfriend online. He was much older, but age doesn’t always matter. However, it made it very hard to mix both my uni social life and him together. We dated for approximately a year and a half, and in the last 6 months I discovered how much of a dick he was. After breaking up with him just before Christmas in an argument, he begged me to take him back. Which I was stupid to do. I tried to make it work, but I ended up dumping him, after he was rude to my family and made me feel worthless. I don’t regret the first year, but I should have stuck to my guns before Christmas. It would have saved me so much heart ache, anger and sadness.

There were good memories and experiences like Switzerland, but looking back I realised just how shitty he made me feel. He would over react when I didn’t want to do something that he wanted to do, he got jealous over any guy who looked at me and had a temper. He never hit me or abused me physically, but on reflection he was emotionally abusive and manipulative. He made me anxious and scared when he drove. He ignored or/and shouted at me when I asked him to slow down. When I would voice my opinion on political matters, he would tell me I was wrong because I was ‘young and naive’. He had some issues which I tried to support him through, but it just got too much and I got to breaking point when he used them as a scapegoat for his rude behaviour all of the time.

6 months on, and I couldn’t be happier. I started running (which has improved my health dramatically) and I spent the summer working four jobs before coming back to university to focus on my final year and spend more time with my friends.

Plus, I finally got to experience the world of Tinder. Which has worked in my favour so far, but thats still to come in the next chapter of my life…

 

 

The Chronicle Of Me: 100% Happy #3

Anyone who knows me knows I’m probably one of the happiest people you will ever come across. My face is in constant smile mode. I’m pretty optimistic and even when ‘shit hits the fan’, I always try to see the bright side of every situation. As a twin, my sister was always the evil one. We used to joke that I took all of her happiness from her, because I’m ridiculously smiley and happy all of the time. She had mastered the death stare at the age of two.

Everyone has their dark days as have I, but it has never changed my personality as this happy go-lucky person. It’s very hard to anger me or upset me. Even when I am angry with someone I’m always smiling, so people are never quite sure how to read me. The same can be said for when I’m upset, however,  I can confidently say that I’ve cried more from laughing too hard than being overcome with sadness.

To complement my 100% happy vibe, I’m equally as chilled out. It takes a lot for me to dislike someone and I always give people second, third, ten chances if they are remotely dickish. I know this can be seen as a disadvantage as it makes me easy to be walked all over and used. Which has happened on small-scale situations growing up, but I don’t care about the past. Living in the now and looking forward to the future is more important.

Recently, I have lost one of my close friends from high school. This is the first time I’ve ever had to deal with someone close to me passing away. It was more the shock and the thought of never seeing her again that hit me the hardest. You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. The first week after finding out about her passing was the hardest. Starting final year at university with all these deadlines didn’t help either, and by the end of the week I had hit rock bottom. I have never been so low, even with my friends up north comforting me and lecturers being understanding and supportive.

It was a truly dark day, but the next day was a lot brighter. After hitting rock bottom the only way to go is up. Talking with friends back home helped a lot, and I came to the realisation that my friend is in a happier place now and it was time to move on and keep living. I will never forget her, because the impact she made on my youth was significant and I have so much love for her. She was caring, helpful, funny, random and one of the most intelligent people I know. I’ll miss her, more than what I can put into words.

There are so many happy memories that will never be forgotten. But now it’s time to make more happy memories with new challenges and adventures to grasp in life. Thinking positively and seeing the good in everything isn’t always bad thing. It’s how I cope, because happiness is the key to me. In the end we can all find happiness.

 

x In Memory of Katrina x

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x Rest In Peace x

The Chronicle Of Me: Country Bumpkin #2

Since studying in Liverpool I have begun to identify myself as this ‘country bumpkin’. While I’m not 100% farmer it’s become part of my identify [my severe fear of cows would make me a awful farmer – just for the record]. I used to think growing up and living in Norfolk was boring and I never really appreciated what was here. It was the countryside. The less thought of English countryside. When you think of the countryside you think of the south or the Lake District. Norfolk maybe the largest county in England, but it’s one people forget about. It’s quiet, flat and full of fields.

I’ve lived in the same village all my life. Even though I am still very young, I have seen changes in my community. The only facilities left in my village is a small village shop, a primary school, village hall, and a pub. Once it used to have seven pubs, a post office and a fish and chip shop. Despite being fragments of my childhood memories, they made me part of who I am.

When we got my dog 12 years ago, we used to get a free battered sausage from the married couple who ran the fish and chip shop. My twin sister and I used to sit on the windowsill while we waited for our order. They were only minor parts of my childhood, but the warmth of them will stay with me forever. It’s the little things in life that make you content. A few years ago that memory faded with the demolition of the old chippy as it had been left to go derelict and started to lean into the road causing a health risk. Now there is an empty gap, where a once thriving little business used to be.

These days it takes a 10 to 15 minute drive to get anything and go anywhere. I used to get the bus to high school, it was a ten minute journey. The journey consisted of sharp bends and pot holes. It was one of those roads that didn’t get gritted during the winter months, which made it dangerous for buses. On the plus side, we were able to get away with days off school, because it was too icy, whereas in a city you wouldn’t necessarily get away with that. The only bus that comes through the village runs from 7am to 6pm, at the bottom of the village, once an hour. It takes 20 minutes to walk to the bus stop from my house, since the bus route changed. Public transport is becoming even more difficult, so cars have become the primarily source of getting about. If I didn’t have my car I would feel so cut off from everything in the countryside.

The village shows were always fun, it felt like half the village would turn out to the performances and were huge in their prime. My parents and their friends were heavily involved, with my Dad taking on the role as the director, if you were to give him a title. I can walk through my village and see people who I’ve known all my life and we always say hello. You know where everyone lives and you generally know everyone’s business (if you know the right people). The best way to explain where I live is by comparing it to the TV program Midsommer Murders, without the murders. That’s the best way to understand my little bubble of a world. It’s small and insignificant to most, but I love it.

Living in a city, you begin to miss and appreciate what you have at home. I always thought the countryside was boring and just lame. But I’ve miss seeing the stars at night, rather than an orange glow caused light pollination. I miss the sound of nothingness at 4am, not someones car alarm or drunks yelling in the street. I miss walking through a field of golden crops and travelling down country roads.  I miss my family and the beautiful landscape from my bedroom window. All these little things, become big things when away from your comfort zone. Despite living in Liverpool for the past two years, I will never get used to the convenience and all the hustle and bustle of the city.

I’m proud to be from Norfolk. I’m proud for people to think I’m a six-fingered farmer and that I’m the product of incest. Norfolk is a hidden gem, which I will always treasure.

The Chronicle Of Me: The Introduction #1

I love to write, and it’s always hard to come up with fictional characters and a storyline. During my early-mid teens I would be constantly writing stories. Short or long, I always had characters on the go. My biggest accomplishment was writing my very first novel. I was so proud of it, while my writing skills weren’t amazing the story was there and it was alive.

I spent many nights of my youth walking around the village with my friend, who is a writer like me.  We would brain storm and share our ideas until it was dark. I used to spend hours writing and story boarding. All this imagination I wanted to get out and share. I wrote a handful of short stories which are now obsolete after my laptop got a virus and had to be wiped.

I never got back into it as this occurred the same time I started Sixth-Form and my creativity just evaporated into nothing. I would come up with ideas, only to push them aside because I had lost the motivation to write. So, I thought I would write about me. Like a autobiography, but in small instalments I want to share aspects of my life. It won’t be as dramatic like your everyday thriller novel, but I hope it gives you insight to what a type of person I am and you find some of it entertainment.